Today I was very happy to see the City of Des Moines flying not only our nation’s flag, but also those celebrating Pride Month and Juneteenth.
A dear friend of mine is going under the knife today. (People my age don’t have surgery. We go under the knife.)
Another expression people of my age have is, “it’s as serious as a heart attack.” My friend didn’t have a heart attack. He’s having his aorta replaced to avoid the heart attack.
He’ll make it. But it is truly serious. It’s not like one of these namby pamby heart attacks guys our age all seem to have these days–you know, the thread a wire up yer groin over and around the tastee-freeze, then down into yer heart for a quintuple bypass and then back to work ye get in two days with some blood thinner, boy-o procedure. No sirree. This is old school heart surgery. The big carapace crab cracker. La Zipper Grande.
He and I have things in common. We’re of the same era and from kinda/sorta the ‘British Isles’. So we’re men who experience a good round of golf like four hours of porn. 😀
Another thing we have in common is that neither of us have any relatives who made it past seventy. Seventy was a fine run. We discussed his upcoming his surgery not with trepidation so much as with wonder. Because where and when we grew up, life was simple. You didn’t need aorta surgery. You got a box and some very nice flowers.
(I know what yer thinking. But this is not going to be another tired “With all it’s problems. Be thankful kids. America is still the greatest nation on earth” post.)
Anyhoo, we have things in common. But not too much in common. He and I, and a lot of people I know, have opinions and beliefs and stuff going on that I do not want to know about.
Indoor flags
When I ran for office I doorbelled a lot of homes. I saw a surprising number of flags proudly displayed inside. US Flags. Pride flags. BLM flags. Mexican flags. Confederate flags. The Don’t Tread On Me snake thing. And many others. That is who we are. All of them. After hitting 6,000 doors I learned a lot about Des Moines. And in some cases, more than I wanted to.
But it was good training for elected office–which is basically a customer service job. I have to find a way to listen to and respect everybody. Otherwise, I don’t think I properly Des Moines.
The secret to friendship
Back to my friend. Outwardly, I suppose our relationship seems superficial. He goes ape for dogs. We play golf. But as with most of my friends we do talk about other things. And now, after many years, we often come to the same endpoints, albeit via completely different routes.
I’ve come to realise that at least part of what made that possible is not stressing too much about the rest of each other’s lives. I am certain things would not have gone nearly as well if we had first been given some form of ‘briefing’. Golf now, talk later. 😀
Notably, he and I have never interacted electronically. Our entire relationship was built on the fact that we kept running into each other over and over again. (Which is also the reason my wife and I got together come to think of it. :D)
Meanwhile at City Hall…
The constant tension on our City Council, in our community, and most likely on planet earth, stems at least partially from the fact that we never played golf. 😀 Actually it stems from the fact that we never got to know each other first. We got on each other’s nerves, people developed their opinions, and now there seems to be no going back.
Notably, we’re the only area City Council that never engages in retreats. We’re the only City Council that never engages as a group without the City Manager. We’re the only City Council that creates no opportunities for CMs and staff to interact with or learn from one another. Hell, we’re the only City Council without a group photo.
From my vantage point, whoever decides such things has done everything possible to avoid us getting to know one another, learn from one another, or value one another. And with the benefit of hindsight that now seems intentional. Perhaps because if we actually got to know one another a bit better, someone might occasionally change their mind.
All of which sounds an awful lot like social media these days.
In a Rom-Com, these kinds of relationship problems are easily solved. Some couple, who hate each others guts, get trapped in an elevator for twelve hours. After a certain period of embarrassment and shared suffering, romance ensues. Sadly, Des Moines City Hall has only a single floor. 😀
Now what?
I hear people in the community discuss the absolute need to overcome the long standing challenges symbolised by the Pride and Juneteenth flags. Others see the world quite differently. Personally, I am thrilled to see these flags flying. But still, as with our City Council and our nation writ large I have to ask: We raised the flags, great. OK, now what?
What I took from seeing all the flags I’ve seen throughout Des Moines gave me the following perspective. It may seem stupid or wrong or mundane or even irrelevant to you, but regardless, it’s all I got at the moment.
You have to nag people.
Seriously, that’s it. You have to constantly find (nice) ways to get in front of a wider a swath of humanity; whether they like it or not. As my friend and I did. You can’t assume people know anything. And you can’t rely on charm or wait for people to invite you over for drinks. All those strategies will only ever reach the same (and very small) subset of Des Moines we’ve always done. That’s not the job.
And it’s also not my job to lecture people about how they should live their lives–unless there is some risk to the public welfare of course. My job is to meet people where they are, whenever possible, and encourage them to engage with me, whether I agree with their current choices or not.
Peace in our time…
Obviously I’m aware of all the various ‘divides’ in Des Moines and I really am trying to do what little I can to address them. Which basically comes down to a lot of walking around looking for excuses to run into people. 😀
That may seem like a pretty naive approach to achieving Peace In Our Time or whatever. But let me tell you one other thing my friend and I have in common. We grew up in places where one could not afford the luxury of avoiding one another.
And that is quite a luxury. Truthfully, fewer and fewer people seem to want to engage. Many people will say that conversation isn’t worth their time. I believe that a lot of it comes down to the fact that it’s so damned easy to avoid one another.
Hell, we’re just grateful we now live in a place where we can choose the aorta replacement surgery, instead of a box with some very nice flowers.
OK, I did do one of those kinds of posts. 🙂